Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Fiction: The Champion: Blurb

So I'm in the process of preparing my novel for E-Publishing, and I was starting to put together ideas for a blurb - you know, the short description that is supposed to hook the reader.   Here's what I've got so far:

Derek and Mirrin Tult want nothing more than to live out their small-town dream of raising a family together.  But, when a messenger from Lihn City arrives on the night of their wedding, they are forced to abandon their home so that Derek can fulfill a different vow.  Now, they must live in a city torn apart by religious violence.  Will they become a source of hope amidst the chaos, or will politics and prophecy destroy their dream forever?  And even if they endure the dangers within the city, will they have the strength to unite their people and to stand against a truly legendary evil?

I would really appreciate any comments you can offer.  Thanks!

EDIT: got some feedback, here's a new version:

Derek and Mirrin Tult want nothing more than to live out their small-town dream of raising a family together.  But, when a messenger from the capital arrives on the night of their wedding, they are forced to abandon their home so that Derek can fulfill a different vow.  Now, they must live in a city torn apart by religious violence.  Politics and prophecy conspire to destroy their dream forever, while a truly legendary evil prepares to ignite a conflict that will burn the world...

Or something like that.  No questions, just statements.  Which do you like better?

EDIT 2: here's a little bit different version:

Derek and Mirrin Tult want nothing more than to live out their small-town dream of raising a family together.  But when a messenger from the capital arrives on their wedding night, they are forced to abandon their home so that Derek can fulfill his oath to compete for the office of Champion of Lihn.  Now they must live in a city torn apart by religious violence.  Politics and prophecy conspire to destroy their dream forever, while a legendary evil prepares to ignite a conflict that will burn the world...

Fewer commas, some more specific details, still under one hundred words.

EDIT 3: a little more info

Derek and Mirrin Tult want nothing more than to live out their small-town dream of raising a family together.  But when a messenger from the capital arrives on their wedding night, they are forced to abandon their home so that Derek can fulfill his oath to compete for the office of Champion of Lihn.  Now they must struggle to bring healing and hope to a city torn apart by religious violence.  Politics and prophecy conspire to destroy their dream forever, while a legendary evil prepares to ignite a conflict that will burn the world...

I like it, but is it too wordy?

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